April Fool’s Day may have taken place just a few days ago.
But the following story is 100% real. We think.
We hope you are sitting down and not operating any heavy machinery while reading it…
A 45-year old woman named Janice Smith was arrested on Tuesday morning by officers of the Detroit Police Department.
Her alleged crime?
Capturing a multitude of squirrels and training them to attack her ex-boyfriend.
The 51-year old victim, James Robinson, was on the receiving end of over a dozen rodents assaults over the past month or so, confused as to what the heck was going on.
These attacks resulted in many serious injuries, including the loss of two fingers and one testicle.
Seriously. You do NOT want to cross an angry squirrel.
Robinson finally spotted Smith, a former circus animal trainer, cheering on the animals during one of the violent incidents.
He proceeded to file a complaint with the local police, who visited Smith at her home for questioning.
In her residence, officers discovered a dozen cages, holding a total of 27 squirrels.
They also came across two training dummies with photos of Robinson taped over their faces.
Detroit Police Chief James Craig has confirmed that Smith confessed to cops that she was responsible for the attacks, telling reporters via statement:
Ms. Smith confessed to capturing and training squirrels to harass and attack her ex-boyfriend. She used to train lions for a circus, so it was easy for her to make the animals do as she wanted.
She said she hoped to raise an army of up to 50 or 100 animals.
Smith is facing a number of of criminal charges related to criminal harassment, along with the use of animals as weapons.
Smith’s attorneys have demanded that their client undergo a psychological evaluation, arguing that she is unfit to stand trial.
This story is shocking for many reasons, but the main stunner is this:
A Michigan woman is accused of this ridiculous crime, but a Florida Woman.
UPDATE: Some outlets are now reporting that this is an example of fake news. They claim it was made up by a website known for satire.
We can’t say that would be overly surprising, considering the supposed facts.
But we’re a gossip-themed site. We’ve run plenty of articles that didn’t check out in the end. So we’ll leave it up to readers to decide the veracity of this one.